All Things Goofy

My wife is having a miscarriage….the doctors say it could take 3-5 days or more….all this with severe pain….I am not sure which is bothering me more….watching my wife in pain or the fact that my child is lost….it is not often where my faith that God knows what He is doing and my trust in Him wavers…but it is right now….more then anything I want to cry…I want to bawl….but I dont seem to be able too….I really dont rememeber the last time I rally had a relese the floodgates cry…but I want one now…but I can’t.

My logical side knows too well that God has a purpose, that God knows what He is doing, that He is in control, that this “stuff” I am going through is for a reason, that this is His will…my logical side accepts that. My emotional side is crying out “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS LORD????”  “WHY MUST I FEEL THIS MUCH PAIN?” “WHY DO I FEEL SO ALONE?” and if I do need to feel this pain, “WHY CAN’T I HAVE AN OUTLET????”….I want to CRY!!!!!!!!!!

My Saviour, My God by Aaron Shust

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x’s)
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

I can feel it coming….somewhere deep down is that well of emotion that at any time could burst open…but it won’t….I am waiting for it…but it won’t…..i understand why  a lot of things happen….well…not in logic….but my faith gives my Spirit enough understandning of the supernatural reasoning God uses to accept that the things of this world are under His control and He has a plan that surpasses earthly understanding that is to bring more joy to me then I could ever ask or imagine….but I honestly dont understand why I cant release the hurt I feel….

Now that I start to search my soul….I am angry too…not really at God…again, my logical side won’t allow that….but…at…?life?  Honestly, I am not sure who/what I am angry at…I just know that I am…I want to start to bust things….I want to slam things….I want to thrash around…..

Yeah so last night I watched Two For The Money…..

SPOILER ALERT

So basically this is about  an ex-college football player who goes to New York to be a handicapper.  Once there he develops a very close relationship with his Boss(Al Pacino, who consequently often reminds me of my dad in many of his films) and Pacino becomes a father figure to him.  He soaks this up as his father left when he was like 9 and was abusive and absent most of his life….anyway…there is a pivotal point in the movie where he realizes that he was so desperate to develop this father-son relationship that he has become someone he isn’t….he decides that he is no longer going to act this out and be himself again.  There is a lot more to it, but I am tired and want to go to bed

This just really struck me as this has long been a desire of mine.  My dad was an alcoholic and rarely around in my early childhood, and when he finally sobered up and decided that he wanted to make up for lost time, I was busy being resentful.  We did finally connect for a little while before he past away.  Anyway…I have searched out men to “father” me as long as I can remember……I recently read To Own A Dragon, by Donald Miller, and in it  he explains that there isn’t a man on earth who can truly fill that hole…sure some guys can step in and fill part of it, but no one can really fully replace your father…..except God….He longs to be our Father, probably more then the best earthly-father a boy could have.  Miller’s point was basically we need to let go of this desire and give it to God and start looking to Him for that fathering.  Now this movie had a lot of language in it…fair warning…but it is truly an amazing example of how we men desire to be fathered.

 There are some things that God is carving out in my heart lately that I really need prayer about….I can’t go into details here….but it has to do with some directions I feel He may be leading me in….

I watched an interesting movie tonight…..Two For the Money

Basically its about a washed up college football star who becomes a sensation  at picking football games…

Ill post some insight tomrrow….but be waarned…it will contain spoilers….

Brian

I had a LOOONNNGGGGG weekend…I just cant seem to focus during the day and wind up staying up all night trying to get things done.  I am wondering if I need mor protein in my diet?????  I am tired and my muscles ache ALL the time.  Man I am sounding old…

I read an awesome post tonight at my friend, Jerfferson’s blog.  I don’t really know him outside of Xanga…but I can tell we’d get along….I love a good laugh…and he seems very good at those!! anyway…you should check it out

Brian

I HATE INSOMNIA!!!!

I really would love to be able to function during the day and sleep at night…but that ust doesnt seem to be happening lately….I slept in today…..then couldnt function ALL day.  Then finally, at about 1am…I got my creative juices flowing and was able to program…go figure…now it is 5am and I need to be church in 5.5 hours…hopefully I make it

In other things…I picked up a copy of The Message….I feel like I’ve grown bored of the traditional translations….not that I don’t like them anymore…it’s just everytime I read them…I get the same thing from them…I need a fresh look at the Scriptures and I’ve gotten that from recent quotes I’ve read from The Message…so we will see what it doe sfor my study life….

I have a great desire to go deeper in my relationship with God…problem is I don’t seem to make it a priority….

I can’t wait until Thursday…I am going to go get my best friend, Tony, from Ark. and bring him here for a visit!!!!!  We met here in Nashville, so it will be like old times again!!

Brian

ok…yeah….so….I guess I learned a lot previously about letting this slide….

So…..we’re in Nashville now…well…LaVergne, just outside of Nashville.  We have no clue why were here….but we are sure that God has something for us here.

So the move was a Saga.  First the payment I planned to use for the moving truck didnt come in….but God provided a sale so we were covered.  Then the Sunday before we were leaving, Erica’s foor and calf swelled up like a balloon and was beat red and burning.  Doc prescribed antibiotics but they didnt do much over the next two days, so Tuesday she went to the ER…they ended up keeping her, saying she had cellulitus, a skin infection.  They put her on an antibiotic drip and said she’d be in for 3-5 days….major complication since we were suppsoed to be leaving the next day.  After much deliberation, the plan was for me to leave with Ant on schedule and Hannah headed down to Aunt dawns for the week.  Erica and Hannah were to fly down the following Tuesday.  Ant & I left late, then between the air acting up in the truck and the cats going crazy we almost turned around.  But we didn’t….after a lot of driving and incredible behaviour from Ant we made it to Tenn a little after midnight Thursday night.  We got help from some old friends and our landlord to unload the trailer Fri…but by Sunday we still had a lot to do and one more day to do it.  I tried to contact my landlord to see if he could help again, and he was tied up but sent over his 25yo son and his pastor early Monday AM!  Then later Monday afternoon, a local homescholling family that Erica had met through an email list came over and helped finsih it off!  Finally, Tuesday was here and our family would be whole again!  Erica(she was discharged from the hosp on Sat) and Hnnah ended up sitting on the tarmac in Philly for over 2 hours waiting to take off thanks to some storms that we’re passing through.  Finally later that night they landed in Nashville and we were all home!!  We had an awesome surprise and found out that our friend Indira was coming into town on Thursday and staying with us for a few days til she played a show in town on Sat!! What a blessing that was!  Prooved to be even bigger then we thought as Thurs afternoon I stepped over a box waiting to be unpcked in my office and stepped on a picture frame..it shattered and I ended up with an inchlong 1/4 in wide piece of glass in my foot.  No stitches, but I couldnt put weight on it for 3 weeks…so anyway….all better now….everyone is healthy and walking!  We are pretty much settled and getting used to our new town and state.

Then came the big suprise…..this past Friday Erica informed me she was a week late and maybe we should buy a “test”….so we did….and it was positive….now we were quite shocked, but are very excited!!!!  Funny thing is I started out wanting 4 kids…we were in aholding pattern on kids until we bought a house or at least had a more stable income.  Lately I had started giving serious consideration to stopping at two….everyone kept telling us how lucky we were…how blessed we were to have the perfect family..one boy and a girl…I was really starting to lean towards getting “fixed”….but I guess God had other plans…LOL

Soooooo…..now that we just gave away half of our baby stuff if not more over the last few months we were in NJ….its time to start replacing it!!  And I am sure that I have some soul searching to do over the next 8 mos….I always do when Erica is pregnant….so things could get interesting here…

Yeah…like….wow

I really let this slide…..honestly I’ve felt as if I have barely had time to breathe…but it is all coming to an end.On Thursday the moving truck will show up and we will begin loading our possessions into a trailer to be hauled to Nashville.  I still am unsure why God is sending us down there, how long we will be there, if it is a teemp stop or a perm one, or just about anything else other then it is def where He wants us right now.  I suppose that is all that really matters….but that tottaly flies in the face of my normal thinking.  I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of guy, ut I like to have a plan when I decide to do it to some degree…not necesarily details but at least the big picture…but oh well…I did it once before and it turned out wonderfully…oh yeah…that was a trip to Nashville too….11 years ago…

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity…..however…the really kewl part is the time I have had to spend with my family.  We were supposed to be at creation this week, and after a 36 hour period spent setting up camp in the torrential rain, it was cancelled…so we packed it up and went to Gettysburg for the night.  It was so kewl to spend a little mini vacation with the fam….it’s been a while.  Then tonight, we went into town for the firewaorks….I can’t tell you how much I have been enjoying spending time with my kids…..we had a blast tonight just horsing around…..it’s something I need to take more time to do…..

The other night I was reading and relaxing and God asked me a question….”Brian, Who do you say that I am?” I couldn’t answer right away…..I knew that who I thought he was couldn’t be answered that quickly…mostly because I had never really given Him the proper focus to have an answer for it.

He is the Christ…but not the Christ that hangs on most Crucifixes. They are all too pretty and nice and neat. He is the Christ that is depicted in Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ. He was tortured to the nth degree. He was beaten beyond an inch of his life. The cruelty he endured  has never been equaled. And he did all of this for me. If I were the only one on earth…he would have done it…he loves me THAT much.

Now my question is this…..why do I forget this?? Why do I not constantly focus on this. It is too painful. When I see Him like that and think of the things I do on a daily basis, the “priorities” I set in my life, the shame and embarrassment I feel is too heavy for me. Which is exactly why He did it. When He sees me like this…He says…”Don’t worry about it….You are forgiven….I LOVE YOU!” Now focus on my love…enjoy it…soak in it….this is why I did what I did.

He doesn’t look and say…

oh wait…you were baptized as a baby by sprinkling…sorry come back when you’ve been dunked….

Oh wait…you don’t speak in toungues….come back when you do…..

Oh wait…you haven’t tithed in year? Come back when you are at 10%

Oh wait…IS that alcohol and tobacco on your breathe…come back when you are sober….

Oh wait…I saw you with that guy last night….come back when you enjoy women like I created you….

He says…..”Come just as you are, and I will give you rest!”

So tonight was a sad/happy night…..one of our youth leaders is leaving tomorrow for a FT missionary position in Guatamala.  Tonight was his final youth group night.  I’m really gonna miss him.  When I met him he was this annoying fresh college graduate who always seemed to get on my nerves.  Today he is a mature deep adult who ministers to the kids every chance he gets….the growth I have seen in those kids over the last few years has alot to do with him.  He loves those kids….he gae much of himslef to them.  I’m really gonna miss him.  I know those kids in Guatamala are gonna love him…and I can’t wait to hear how the stories from Guatamala!!!

Wow…not even a week this time!!! Im getting better!!

I has an INCREDIBLE weekend!!!!  I went with our youth to BattleCry this weekend.  It is a youth rally run by Acquire the Fire and there were about 15000 teens in  attendence.  What powerful speakers! Steve Saint…whose father Nate Saint was one of the missionaries killed with Jim Elliot (The End of the Spear) was there and talked about his life and how they reached the tribe for christ that killed his father.  Then they brought out the warrior from the tribe that had actually been the one to kill his father…apparently they had formed a grandfather/grandson relationship…Isn’t God amazing….the whole idea of God taking two people  who should have been mortal enemies by the worlds standards and made them that close is truly a miracle!  It was also very powerful to hear the warrior gently admonishing the kids to carefully examine the violence in their generation and reminding them that they need to be looking to “God’s markings!”

Ron Luce and Lakita Wright were fabulous as always….Delirious led worship and I must say…it was the most powerful worship experience I have had since Sonicflood played the worship tent at Creation 2001 when they had first come on the scene.  In the middle of the final worship session…which was close to an hour long…I witnessed teens just being broken by God….and renewed…I could see God peeling away the pain, the hurt from these kids…and replacing it with joy!!!  Also….I was really in the Spirit at one point and God gave me a little phrase to focus on “All You, No me”  This is becoming my mantra in my everyday life.  I feel a renewed power coming from Him!

To elaborate a little on my last post….my Dad & I did spend time together at certain periods….when I was playing Babe Ruth baseball…he came to almost all my games…not that I cared…..when I was growing up….he would on occassion, spend time showing me carpentry skills in the garage….and the last couple of years…we actually got along!! About a yar after he died….I wrote the following poem…it was the first real poem I wrote in my life…(my HS engllish teacher had a coronary when I showed her….she used to battle me like mad to get me to write)  and was the first of a collection of stuff I wrote between 1994 and 1995…the funny thing is I really havent written much since…a very small handful of poems but that s it…any way…here it is….

Out of Reach

There are many things I’ve often wanted to say

But they were buried deep inside me.

There are many things I’ve often wanted to do,

But never got around to.

Selfishly, I’ve often thought

That you were never there for me.

I’ve criticized and cursed you

In ways often unheard of.

Now looking back I see,

All the things you did for me.

The things we built, the places we went,

These things all were Heaven sent.

But now, I’ve one thing to say.

I’ll see you one day in Heaven,

And on that day I’ll speak the words

I’ve often found out of reach…

Daddy, I love you.

In loving memory of my father,

Richard G. Senecal

(1932-1993)