I suddenly realized tonight that I have become extremely isolationist in my own little world. I venture out when it suits me, I attack only when attacked, I maintain a schedule that precludes me from very much human interaction. I am the epitome of personal isolationism.

I will help those around me—when it suits me. I will put my money towards things that work for the greater good—when it suits me. I will remove my earphones and recognize the world around me—when it suits me.

Unfortunately, I am not alone. Society as a whole has gotten increasingly me oriented, from the iPods we carry around to the Bluetooth headsets that are virtually surgically attached to our ears to the fast, convenient drive-thrus we all frequent. Even Starbucks—a coffeehouse, a place once equivalent with true community and interaction—has an unending line at the drive—thru window.

Richard Foster opens his book The Celebration of Discipline “Superficiality is the curse of our age…. The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people.” In order to be deep people, we need to begin to extend ourselves outward. Only by laying aside one’s own ambitions and desires can one begin to attain the depth to which God has called us.

Have you ever stopped, thought for a minute, and discovered that you had lost yourself?  And not in a good way, but a bad way.  You get so caught up in “stuff” that you no longer recognize who you have become.  The ideals that you have held so dearly have mysteriously slipped away.  This is where I have found myself frequently lately.  My life has been a whirlwind of change since I graduated from high school many eons ago.  Up to that point in my life I was highly predictable.  I was a born-again, hockey-loving, underachieving computer nerd born and raised in New Egypt, NJ.  I stepped out into the world in June of 1990 and became a whirlwind of change.  I went off to college.  I flunked out of college.  I tried out about 5 different community college.  I gave up on college.  I moved to Virginia.  I moved back to NJ.  I moved to Nashville.  I moved 3 times in just over 2 years while in Nashville.  I moved back to NJ. I got married. In the next 8 years I had two kids and moved 3 times around NJ.  Now I am in Nashville. In 2008 I will have been out of high school for as long as I had been alive when I graduated.  During this chaos I began to understand that there was a call on life.  God has called me to the ministry.  Very likely, and yet…not. I can’t speak in front of a large group of people.  I am definately not your “typical” Christian.  I was once, and I think that is a good part of me that I lost.  Point being….I had 18 years of stability and calm, followed by nearly 18 years of chaos.  I think I am about to head into a different stage of my life.  I’d like to say it is going to be a stage of calm…but I don’t think that is going to happen. Yet, I don’t think it will be chaos….well, maybe controlled chaos.  Actually, that is what it has always been.  God has always been in control and has directed my steps the last 18 years that have appeared as total chaos to me, my wife, and most of my family and friends.

So I sit here this morning, trying to figure out where I am, where God wants me, and what I need to do to start out in that direction.  I feel that I have totally lost myslef somewhere over the course of the last year.  My relationship with God had been getting closer to where He wants it. Shoot…I was actually in a place where I could hear Him speak to me…and follow  through with it…regardless of the insanity of the idea of uprooting my family and moving them halfway across the country away from our family and friends.  I’ve gotten so wrapped up in busy-ness, that I have lost that which is dearest to me.  My realtionship with God and my wife have suffered immensely. So now, I sit and ponder and I wonder why?  God would send…oh wait sorry…got TobyMac in my head now…I wonder why I let myself get to this point and more importantly–how do I get back to the place where God was my best friend, my Father, my Abba.  And then…it is quite simple.  I need to lose my self.